A Quick and Dirty Guide to Attachment Theory
What is this journey that everyone’s been on?
Attachment theory has been gaining popularity over the past few years and I could not be more excited because it is one of the richest spaces to explore when gaining self-awareness and creating authentic connections.
Although we have collectively taken an interest in it quite recently, the theory has been around since the 50’s. It was originally proposed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth and has been studied and expanded on in the field of psychology since then.
In popular culture, attachment theory is known primarily through the four attachment styles: Secure, Anxious Preoccupied, Dismissive Avoidant, and Fearful Avoidant.
Of course, it is far too intricate to cover in one go, so in this article, I will be presenting the basic principles behind the theory to give you a general understanding of it.
So, what is it all about and why is it so important to know?
WTF is attachment theory?
First things first, we are a social species and our relationships are essential to our survival and well-being. Attachment theory examines relationships and long-term bonds between humans from a psychological and evolutionary perspective. It suggests that an individual’s early attachment to their parents or caregivers forms the basis of their self-concept, their beliefs about the world at large, and their interpersonal relationships in adulthood.
Because children in particular are completely dependent on others for survival (a baby will die if left unattended), they quickly learn to develop strategies to stay safe (physically, mentally, and emotionally) and receive care in the environments in which they grow up.
I use the term ‘safe’ very loosely here. We often forget that love and connection are fundamental human needs. As a species, we associate them with survival. So, for a child anything that threatens their connection with a caregiver (and therefore survival) is perceived as unsafe.
Everything we do is a strategy to get our needs met and stay safe. The strategies we adopt as children are functional, effective and necessary within our personal context. As we grow up, the strategies became more sophisticated to accommodate an increase in information and more diverse environments.
An attachment style is essentially a complex set of strategies we have developed over time to get our needs met and stay safe in our early environments.
The process of adaptation begins from the day a child is born, so these strategies are subconscious or even unconscious. Many of them take form before a child’s conscious mind and capacity for rational thought have developed (around age 7–8).
What is an attachment style?
The different sets of strategies are grouped into four attachment styles: Secure, Anxious Preoccupied, Dismissive Avoidant, Fearful Avoidant (aka Disorganized). Each shapes an individual’s personality and style of relating to others.
Secure Attachment is characterized by a positive view of self and others and an interdependent style of relating. It is the byproduct of a safe, consistent and stable enough environment in which a child’s physical and emotional needs were attuned to and met, communication was encouraged, conflict was effectively resolved and repaired and a child felt generally loved for who they were as a person. As a result, securely attached individuals possess a healthy level of self-esteem and sense of worthiness/lovability, emotional intelligence and maturity, and a balanced and integrated use of logic and emotion. They tend to trust others and feel safe in relationships. They value both connection and autonomy and feel comfortable meeting their needs independently as well as through others — though they may prefer one over the other depending on their personality type, upbringing, etc.
What is insecure attachment?
A whole host of factors can contribute to the formation of an insecure attachment style, and they need not be extreme. In fact, many insecurely attached adults often struggle to pinpoint the causes of their patterns because they felt their childhoods were ‘fine.’ Again, it is important to remember that a developing child’s experience is very different from that of an adult.
The Anxious, Avoidant and Fearful Avoidant attachment styles are called insecure because they are the byproducts of environments where there was a lack of felt safety/security, stability, consistency, emotional attunement, acceptance of the child for who they are, the ability to directly express one’s needs, desires, boundaries or identity. Or perhaps there were unfair and developmentally inappropriate expectations, responsibilities and challenges placed on the child.
All of these factors are considered to be developmental traumas that impact an individual’s self-esteem, attitude towards relationships (romantic and platonic), and overall sense of security within themselves.
To varying degrees, all three insecure attachment styles are imprinted with a sense of unsafety/insecurity, abandonment, and shame (i.e. the belief that one is defective at their core) . An important thing to note is that insecure attachment styles are extremely common in today’s world and are more prevalent in certain societies. I daresay, they are even the norm…
Anxious Preoccupied Attachment
The Anxious Preoccupied attachment style is characterized by a negative view of self and a positive view of others as well as a co-dependent style of relating.
It is often the byproduct of an environment where caregivers were inconsistently available (perhaps they were loving but worked a lot), where love, attention, and affection had to be actively earned, or where there was real or perceived abandonment (divorce, death, parent leaving, sudden illness, etc.) While all attachment styles possess some degree of a fear of rejection and abandonment, the Anxious Preoccupied person experiences it most consciously and pervasively.
Because they usually had to amplify their negative emotional responses such as anger, fear, and pain to elicit care and get their needs met, their brains overemphasize and prioritize right-brain, emotional processing (to the point of distortion) at the expense of logical analysis. This capacity often gives them a tremendous ability to create music, art and poetry, but creates a lot of emotional suffering within their relationships because they tend to be overly reliant on others to get their needs met and believe that they have to chase, work for or earn love. As a result, they tend to be hyper-attuned to others, attach quickly and move faster in relationships than the other attachment styles.
Dismissive Avoidant Attachment
The Dismissive Avoidant attachment style is characterized by a positive view of self and a negative view of others as well as a counter-dependent style of relating. A positive view of self should not be considered with self-esteem.
Dismissive Avoidant attachment is often the byproduct of an environment where there was some degree of physical or emotional neglect or at the very least a lack of attunement to a child’s inner world or intolerance of negative emotional expression.
Dismissive Avoidant individuals learned early on to rely primarily on themselves to soothe their emotions and get their needs met, which left them with an inability to trust others. As a result, they tend to have a high-self regard when it comes to their competency, intellectual capacity and ability to meet their needs independently, but a low self-esteem, difficulty in forming intimate, emotional connections with others, and a fear of being weak and vulnerable.
Because they formed mostly negative associations with emotional expression, their brains tend to automatically minimize their emotional experience, especially when it comes to negative emotions like anger, pain and grief. Instead, they overvalue and prioritize left-brain, logical processing (to the point of distortion) at the expense of emotional awareness.
Fearful Avoidant Attachment
The Fearful Avoidant (aka Disorganized aka Anxious-Avoidant) attachment style is characterized by a negative view of self and others and a more extreme style of relating that flip-flops between codependent and counter-dependent.
Fearful Avoidant attachment is usually the byproduct of inconsistent, chaotic, confusing environments, such as moving around a lot or growing up in foster care, or in more severe cases — environments where there were more overt forms of dysfunction or danger such as abuse, alcoholism, drug addiction or personality disorders.
As a result of their shifting, emotionally uncertain environments, people with a Fearful Avoidant attachment style former both a positive and negative relationship with connection with others — in which they crave it but don’t feel safe in it.
They desire closeness with others, but cannot trust it and so they struggle to settle into their attachments with others. Their brains rely on both distorted emotion and distorted logic at different times to process information, which creates a hot-and-cold, push-pull, come-here-go-away dynamic in relationships, that is confusing for both the Fearful Avoidant and their partners, friends, and intimates.
All three insecure attachment styles can vary in severity from mild to extreme and can show up differently in different relationships. For example, some people may feel relatively secure in their friendships and work relationships but exhibit insecure patterns in romantic relationships.
What does this mean for relationships?
While attachment styles impact all areas of life (first and foremost one’s relationship with oneself), attachment theory is primarily applied to romantic relationships.
This is because a) romantic partnerships are where people feel the most intimate and vulnerable, especially in regards to their worthiness, lovability, freedom and desirability and b) romantic partners replace caregivers as a person’s primary attachment figure as they begin to integrate their lives together. In more serious, committed relationships, your partner becomes your new family. Therefore, there is a higher chance of old, unhealed wounds, ingrained patterns and strategies resurfacing in romantic relationships.
If one or both partners are insecurely attached, if these patterns go unaddressed by the individual within themselves, and if neither party is willing to work on cultivating a more secure relationship, that is when the shit hits the fan, and the belief that “love is pain” is perpetuated.
A light at the end of the tunnel
The most important thing to know if you have an insecure attachment style is that you were not born with it, you were born into it. Unlike other patterns of personality that are more intrinsic/genetic, an attachment style is primarily the result of nurture. So, there is nothing inherently wrong with you.
Securely attached people may have it easier in many ways, but they are not inherently superior or more worthy than anyone else. Secure attachment naturally occurs in an environment that allows for it. If you placed a securely attached child in the same environmental conditions as you and did not let them leave, they would soon start adopting insecure strategies to stay safe.
If you are insecurely attached, then that is the only choice you had at the time and you made the right one. You should be proud of your child self.
The downside, which you have probably noticed by now, is that the self-protective strategies, beliefs and worldviews that were patterned into your mind and served you well when you were a child, may not be as effective in your current reality as an adult.
Perhaps you find yourself in a totally different context where your old strategies are outdated. Not only are they not keeping you safe anymore, they are wreaking havoc on your personal life and preventing you from forming real, authentic, healthy relationships.
Perhaps, you’re Dismissive Avoidant and want to access your own emotions and form rich, connected relationships. Perhaps you’re Anxious Preoccupied and want to be more autonomous and learn how to soothe your own emotions. Perhaps you are Fearful Avoidant and want to learn to feel safe to trust in relationships and more grounded in yourself.
The good news is that our attachment style is acquired, and anything that can be patterned in can also be patterned out. The neuroplasticity of our brains allows us to replace old neural pathways with new ones through conscious intention, mindful focus and consistent action.
By becoming aware of our insecure strategies and doing the work to unlearn them and replace them with more beneficial ones, we can repair an insecure attachment style and move towards “earned” secure attachment. It is possible, but it takes work.
I will not sugar-coat it, it’s a process. It’s frustrating, it’s humbling and involves a lot of crying. It also takes focus, time and energy because you are literally retraining your brain. They call it doing the work for a reason — it’s a lot of work. But it is absolutely worth it.
I have found it tremendously helpful in my own process of self-awareness, self-understanding, healing and personal growth. About a year into my own work on my attachment style, I decided to become certified in Integrated Attachment Theory with the Personal Development School so that I could coach others through the process.
Now, almost two years in, I still find the theory fascinating, mind-boggling, flabbergasting and the work absolutely necessary. So, I am excited to share it with you along with some tools and resources to help you along on this journey should you choose to embark on it.
Take care, guys.
Hi, I’m Noemi, a certified relationship coach. I help you understand your patterns and cultivate self-love, confidence, and compassion to create the deep, fulfilling conscious relationships your heart desires.
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